


The Good Stars (The End in Eleven Drabbles)

by antigone_ks



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: X-Wing Series - Aaron Allston & Michael Stackpole
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Drabble Collection, I hurt them because I love them, M/M, No happy endings, Post-Wedge/Wes, Songfic, fun with POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 05:23:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14784336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antigone_ks/pseuds/antigone_ks
Summary: Even the good stars can fall from grace and falterLose their faith and slideA series of 100-word post-Wedge/Wes breakup drabbles set to the Frames' “Fitzcarraldo” album. (Lyrics not included in word count; originally published on Livejournal, 2004.)A/N: Switches POV from piece to piece. POV is deliberately non-explicit. Much thanks to Izzy for looking it all over :) This is completely Kat’s fault in the sense that she trapped me in a van and made me listen to Revelate over and over until I heard it in my sleep.





	1. Revelate

_“does this mean we’re through  
does this mean it’s gone”_

You fight alongside a man, you come to know him. You know him in a way you don’t get to when you just drink together, work together… When a man gives his life, his honor to a job, that’s more who he is than anything.

It’s more who he is than you can ever be.

You know him in the dark of space. You know him in a crowd, without turning round. You know him in the night, without a sound. The knowing gets under your skin, and he can’t take it back when he leaves.

When he leaves you.


	2. Angel at My Table

_“will you be my anchor_  
when there is no one around to hold me down  
will you be my anchor  
i know you’re not the answer” 

And we sit here, at this table, in this room, surrounded by people. There’s a glow from the holo shooting up in the middle; it casts against the side of his face. His eyes don’t turn to me, not even when he speaks.

It’s my fault, this wrenching distance, and now it’s done I’d say anything, do anything, to have his eyes on me, that soul, that dark. To hear his voice in the night, to feel his breath on my skin, to reach for him and know… everything.

I’d say anything but the truth.

I’ll never hear “yes” again.


	3. Fitzcarraldo

_“in my golden days i was a slave”_

He spoke my name like he had so many times before. He spoke my name, I saw his face, and everything was different.

That was the first time.

Again, in the dark against a wall. It was cold against my chest and he was hot against my back, and the craving was so great, so great it burnt me alive. I bent to him, I begged for him. He ate my soul on the platter I held out. I carry the scar where he marked me, as if he had to. As if I didn’t know.

I’ve always been his.


	4. Evergreen

_“these fields of time  
have carved a few new lines  
oh but they’ve never changed my mind”_

He's tired now, as he is so often. None of us get enough sleep. We used to not care, used to eat and fuck and drink, and a couple hours' sack time was plenty. We'd get up and start all over, but now... Whoever thought thirty was old? Who knew that one day I'd look in the mirror and see a tired old man staring back at me?

Ah, but those were good times.

Didn't feel so old a week ago. Didn't mind the tired, didn't see the lines. He was my mirror then.

Everything hurts more for wanting him.


	5. In This Boat Together

_“if i had a wish  
i’d give it straight to you now  
cause you look so unsure”_

"Lieutenant."

"Commander."

And that's as far as it goes. A word, a nod. He doesn't speak my name anymore. He doesn't even try. I can see it in his face, how he wants to. He wants the way we used to be, before it all began. I should let him have that, let him think I'm the man he knows.

But he never really knew me, did he? He still thinks there's not enough of me to hurt. All these years, he never looked inside, and that's the deepest cut of all.

He did this. Let him live with it.


	6. Say It To Me Now

_“so much has gone misunderstood”_

He won't give an inch on this. He wants something from me, and I don't know what it is.

Well, that's a lie. But it's not in me to give, not to him, not to anyone. What he wants died a long time ago, ground down into nothing, and you can't build a sand-castle out of your soul.

I look at him and see how dead I am. What he sees when he looks at me, I can't imagine. There's nothing to reflect. There's nothing of me.

I can't say I love him, because I don't.

That's another lie.


	7. Monument

_"the roof is cracked and the walls are falling  
as all those bitter words will flow back to the sea"_

So he sits there with his eyes hard and brittle, walking us through the attack. Intense as ever, and cold, he wants something to fight. He can't fight me, though, so he runs and he hides himself away behind his plans and the formality of his officers' meeting. He'll keep Tycho behind with him, like he thinks I'd come after him otherwise.

What a fool.

I can bide my time. I can wait til he's ready, til he sees. I am always his, and he will always turn to me.

And if he doesn't, if it's over... there is nothing.


	8. Giving It All Away

_“you’re lying through your teeth  
you said you found a song to sing”_

The air feels different when you breathe it alone. It’s thick, and choking, and so thin you feel weak. There’s never enough to make you strong again, to make you stand up straight, not after you leave the way I left. It presses down on you, that lie hanging in the air, and your words are poison gas that still won’t kill you.

Be too easy, wouldn’t it?

You die, you don’t get to see him every day. You don’t get to watch him move on, or pretend to. You don’t get to watch him forget that he loved you.


	9. Red Chord

_“i was resting soft  
in the arms of my war”_

“There’s no end to this.”

“Of course there is.”

“Well, we’ll never live to see it.”

“Sure we will—we’re superheroes. They always live to the end.” Pause. “Except when they die, you know, tragically sacrificing themselves for the stars. But we’re the stars.”

“Somehow I doubt we’d get star billing. We don’t even get star billeting.”

“Hey, this is our show. Just we’re the only ones who know it.”

“I see you’re a legend in your own mind.”

“S’right. And yours, too.”

Snort.

“Not a romantic bone in your body, is there?”

Silence.

“Aside from that one, I mean.”


	10. Denounced

_“now you’re on your own  
and i’m stopping here”_

But there’s only so far a memory will take you, after all. They like to say that some things stay with you forever, memories you can hold to you every night, and maybe they’re right.

None of mine last that long. They fade into muted whispers in the back of my mind—a word, a scent, the fleeting warmth of another body in the bed. They lurk just beyond my sight and when I turn my head they vanish. They can’t be held to. So I lose my memories until I can’t stand the feel of them in my head.


	11. Your Face

_"but if you try again i'll fall"_

He will always be mine. His face will always be love to me, his voice will calm my soul in its torment. To be near him will always be the finest torture.

But he will not save a place for me at his table. There will be no space in his bed. I will let him fade when we’re apart and his ghost will have no hold on me. I will walk, and talk, and eat, and fuck, and not think of him.

I will lie to myself until the day I die.

Sometimes it’s easier just to hate you.


End file.
